


A Heartbreak in Mid December (Phan)

by fathomlessfear



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Relationship(s), soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:00:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21817810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fathomlessfear/pseuds/fathomlessfear
Summary: When Phil's long-term boyfriend left him out of nowhere in the middle of December, he never thought he would find love again. Fast-forward to three years later: Phil is incredibly grateful for the love he has found in his current partner, Dan.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	A Heartbreak in Mid December (Phan)

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my first work on AO3!
> 
> Title based on December by Neck Deep

It had been three years ago. Three years since Max had taken all his things from their one bedroom flat, leaving Phil alone in his sleep. 

When Phil had awoken that morning, he was cold. Their flat was always cold, as most cheap flats would be in the middle of winter, but being wrapped up in Max’s arms, head nuzzled against his chest, kept him from freezing to death. Recently though, Max had been coming to bed later and later. Some nights, he would take an hour-long night-time shower, never letting Phil join like he had before. Other nights, he would go out alone, claiming he couldn’t sleep and just wanted to get some fresh air. He would usually stay out late enough that Phil would fall asleep before he returned. 

But Max would always return, with Phil waking up in his arms. 

Until that horrible night he didn’t. 

It had been December 16th, right in the middle of the month. At first Phil was confused, not used to waking up with the tip of his nose tingling from the cold. He was still confused when he rolled over and didn’t see Max next to him, snoring softly as per usual. And then Phil was worried. A heart-dropping kind of worried that only happens when something feels seriously wrong. Max never woke up before Phil. Did he not come home last night? Had he been hurt? Lost? Alone?

Phil jumped out of bed, only to be greeted by the sheer pain of a half-empty flat. 

He didn’t understand at first. Max was his first serious partner, his first true love. They had been together for four years, and throughout these years, they had learned everything about each other. 

Or almost everything. 

With his heart knocking up against his ribcage like a trapped hummingbird, Phil’s hands started to shake as his twelve calls and thirty-two texts were left unanswered. Only after he stopped flooding Max’s phone with messages, due to the fact that the tears welling up in his eyes were clouding his vision, did he receive a response. 

_Phil, I’m sorry to leave like this. I met someone at a pub awhile back, and I’ve been seeing him for some time now. I just moved in with him, so anything I left in the flat is yours to keep. Sorry mate. Please stop trying to contact me._

That was the day Phil’s heart broke. 

But again, that was three years ago. 

The road to recovery had been a bumpy one. Phil had never felt something so intense, so horrible, in his entire life. He knew heartbreak was a painful thing, but he never would have guessed it could wreck him in the way that it did, taking up all the air in his lungs until he was completely empty. Then again, he never would have guessed that the love of his life would leave him on a whim for some bloke at a pub. 

After one too many late-night cries with his brother, some therapy sessions, and a new interest in yoga, Phil had finally felt some fullness in his life a year later. He no longer went to sleep with his eyes swollen from crying, and he could wake himself up in the morning before noon. And then about two years later, in January, Phil finally allowed himself to be loved romantically again. 

So here he is now, lying in bed in the middle of December, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend Dan to keep him warm. 

Although he and Dan have only been dating for the past eleven months, Phil has felt something with Dan that he never managed to feel in the four years he had with Max. Maybe it’s the way Dan screams like an overly competitive twelve year old during Mario Kart, just to fold up all soft and sweet in Phil’s arms after they turn the game off. Or maybe it’s because they switch off making dinner for each other every few nights, always trying to master each other’s favorite meals. Or perhaps it’s just the way Dan looks at Phil—eyes always full of love and appreciation, whether Phil is talking about his past or if he’s just trying to come up with a good pun. 

Dan is loud and opinionated and sarcastic. And yet, his respect for Phil is off the charts. Even when they argue, Dan is still respectful, never belittling Phil or making him question their relationship in the first place. It’s healthy. And genuine. And the biggest reason why Phil is grateful he let his heart heal.

For the first time in a long time, Phil cries. He holds Dan, still asleep, even tighter against his chest. He loves being the big spoon now; it just feels so right to have Dan’s soft curls brush his cheek as he turns in his sleep. Phil can’t help but remove one of his arms from Dan’s waist to thread his fingers through his hair. It just feels so _nice._

A small hiccup escapes Phil as the tears continue to flow. This causes Dan to stir. Phil holds his breath, hoping he didn’t wake up Dan, but it’s too late. 

“Morning, babe,” Dan mumbles, his voice laced with sleep. 

Phil can’t say anything because Dan’s voice only makes it harder for him to keep his crying quiet. 

Dan loosens Phil’s fingers from his hair and turns around to kiss his cheek with his eyes half closed. Phil still says nothing as Dan’s lips brush against his wet cheek.

Dan feels it. He opens his eyes all the way and picks up his head. “Babe?”

And that’s when Phil loses it. He’s ugly sobbing now, letting Dan pepper confused kisses all over his face, babbling things like _“it’s okay, it’s okay”_ and _“I’m here”_ and _“what’s wrong, love?”_

Phil can’t even begin to explain what he’s feeling and why he’s acting this way, so he lets Dan pull him into his arms to cry against his neck until he can speak again. 

They sit like that for awhile, with Dan gently running his hands down Phil’s back as Phil soaks Dan’s skin with tears. Even when Phil stops crying and his breathing slows down to a normal pace, Dan keeps holding him. Over his shoulder, Phil watches the morning snow flurries dance down outside their window, mesmerized by the beauty of December weather. 

Phil loves that Dan never pushes, never rushes anything. He waits until Phil untangles himself from Dan’s arms, just for Phil to settle back into his lap with his back against Dan’s chest. 

“Sorry to wake you up in such a dramatic way,” Phil finally says through a nervous laugh. 

Dan kisses the back of his neck. “It’s okay, Phil. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Promise you won’t be offended?” His voice sounds scratchy from crying. 

“Of course.”

Taking a deep breath, Phil leans all the way against Dan’s back. He laces their fingers together and drops their joined hands into his lap. “I think it was this day, three years ago, that my ex left me out nowhere.”

Dan squeezes his hands. “Do you miss him?” he asks, not accusing or jealous. It’s simply a question. Dan knows how much Max affected him. 

“No,” Phil says after a beat of silence. “I was just thinking about how much pain I was in that December. I thought I’d never love anyone again. But this is our first December together and I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.”

With that, Dan presses a kiss to Phil’s shoulder and nuzzles his nose against the crook of his neck. “I wouldn’t want it to be any other way,” he says. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Phil responds. 

His heart has never felt more full.


End file.
